Should there be a television PSA made about guys like him?

However, I really wanted to marry an Indian from India (too much bollywood romanticism probably). Nevertheless my parents did not want to support a son-in-law for years while he “settled” into his profession, whatever that may have been (given we’re Indian, likely doctor). Additionally they were really bad at finding anyone for me here. My interviewees ranged from a nubby fingered lazy only son to a 26 year old wannabe tennis pro and one who I am convinced was mildly retarded. I had to arrange it myself. Remember India Abroad and the matrimonials in the back page. Always funny because guys looking for “homely” girls. Anyway, I figured out by then biodata means nothing if you don’t like the looks of someone (men are especially sensitive to this). So, I sent 4 envelopes with my photograph and two sentences: I have two sisters, a mother and father. We are all highly educated and if you like this photo we can communicate further. Three replied but I married the first respondent. He was quicker.

Hope their documentary is a success. Best of luck to them.

I have seen love marriages where husband/wife went to find ‘long lost’ spark elsewhere. I don’t think any specific kind of marriage – be it love or arranged, guarantees monogamy or loyalty.

Yes, it’s true that a lot of guys date with the intention of commitment/marriage, but the other side of the coin is that the remaining ones do not; and no matter how much we scream about gender-equality, the truth is: most men have this ability to sustain a physical relationship without having any emotional attachment with the person. Not that no woman is capable of it, but that is still rare or rather minority. Just like bsb, I have observed plenty of men who would rather lead you on than make their intention clear. Ofcourse, you might look out for signs, but once you develop an emotional bond, you tend to ignore these signs. So, the approach she has – getting to know people without being intimate or way too involved is probably allowing her to look out for those signs.

Also, it is one thing to find ‘the right one’ to settle down with, and it is another to find ‘someone’ to settle down with. Match-making to find ‘the right one’ takes effort and time. To conclude that nobody is willing to settle down with bsb just because she has not found ‘the right one’ yet is a silly statement.

No, no they don’t. If we want to go one step further, I’d say children are certainly not needed, but that’s another can of worms I don’t feel like debating.

I agree Indian parents are less affectionate but then they are also willing to support me more. If I had to choose my parents who are very affectionate but asked me to leave their house when I turn 18, pay my college tuition, and with option of moving back with them when times are bad….I would certainly choose the latter.

Support you more than what? or who? White parents don’t support their kids? Are you saying that you’d rather have in-affectionate parents instead of owning up to being an adult, taking responsibility and not mooching and sponging off your parents’ bank accounts?

Umm, I also didn’t say anywhere that I was having trouble finding anyone to settle down with– I was saying that not many intend to for a long time, if at all. Maybe you don’t know a lot of young people, but poll some of them and find out their views on marriage and settling down. (at least for the group I’m talking about, those in coastal urban cities, where most desis live). You are right that if I don’t like casual sex, I shouldn’t do it– so I don’t. But there are lots of people who are unsatisfied with it who keep on doing it because that’s just what the “dating” culture has become. You wouldn’t understand because you were probably in college forever ago.

You didn’t need to say it, directly. When you say that no young people want relationships, I think you mean that they don’t want one with you. I can’t say I blame them. The fact that you seem to crave commitment shows me you have no actual understanding of what it is. You also don’t seem to realize that hooking up and dating are different things. There is a reason why young people don’t settle down quickly, statistics show it is wiser to get married when you are older. I’m 27, I was in college 5 years ago, I wouldn’t call that forever ago heh. My sister in law is a junior in college and she’s in a relationship with another guy who is, what might come as a shocker to you, in college as well. I’m fairly familiar with her close friends and sorority sisters, most of whom are in relationships as well–some that have persisted for years. I certainly don’t doubt that drunken hook ups are extremely common, but after telling you this, I hope the idea of two kids in college who are in a stable relationship doesn’t sound as preposterous as you seem to think.

don’t have a lot of dating experience, but like I said, I am sensitive and don’t see the need to repeatedly get used by those without any long-term intentions (it happened to me once, which is why I learned to be wary) and heartbroken and eventually jaded about men and marriage (or women and marriage, for men). And you don’t need lots of “relationship experience” to make a marriage either

So one guy used you because you weren’t able to see the signs that he wasn’t serious (men usually make it very clear when commitment is not something they want) and suddenly they all behave like this? You do realize there are online dating sites that specifically filter out men who are serious about marriage? Look bsb, I can’t control what you do, but when you get an arranged marriage, don’t be surprised once your commitment driven husband starts looking outside for the spark that was lacking in your relationship. Why is it that the ones who are bitter and who make the most negative generalizations about Indian-Americans are always those with the saddest home lives? You sound like a teenager upset because her parents won’t let her go to the prom. Get over it.

I’m certainly not bitter, that comment might have come across that way, but I’m perfectly satisfied with my life and self. I also never made a negative generalization (that part was you) about anyone, let alone Indian Americans. I was describing an experience with my parents, one that seemed to recur in every Indian family I knew. Indian parents certainly love their children, but I don’t believe I am wrong in saying that Indian culture does not emphasize affection

Umm. Nowhere did I say that I wasn’t thinking about my career. The topic is about marriage so I was talking about marriage. Trust me, my family expects a lot of me when it comes to living up to my potential in whatever field I’m in, and so do I.

It looks like you’re the one generalizing my comment. The observation of the ‘hook-up culture’ is based on my own experience and my peers’. I know too many girls who hook up with guys with the intention of getting them to commit and then realize after many such heartbreaks that sleeping around is not as empowering as they try to convince themselves it is, nor are they made of steel or like men in their ability to not get emotionally attached. Yes, I’m aware that there’s a lot of variance in both sexes, but what I’m saying is still true for most people.

Umm, I also didn’t say anywhere that I was having trouble finding anyone to settle down with– I was saying that not many intend to for a long time, if at all. Maybe you don’t know a lot of young people, but poll some of them and find out their views on marriage and settling down. (at least for the group I’m talking about, those in coastal urban cities, where most desis live). You are right that if I don’t like casual sex, I shouldn’t do it– so I don’t. But there are lots of people who are unsatisfied with it who keep on doing it because that’s just what the “dating” culture has become. You wouldn’t understand because you were probably in college forever ago.

I don’t have a lot of dating experience, but like I said, I am sensitive and don’t see the need to repeatedly get used by those without any long-term intentions (it happened to me once, which is why I learned to be wary) and heartbroken and eventually jaded about men and marriage (or women and marriage, for men). And you don’t need lots of “relationship experience” to make a marriage either. As long as two people are compatible and have a desire to make the marriage work and realize that it will actually take work, it should go a long way– but the lifestyles that people live now, based on instant gratification instead, certainly don’t teach people how to be a good companion.

I’m sure there are millions of men out there who date intending to get married… out of billions of men in the world. But if you break it down to certain areas and certain age groups, there are men who are just happy screwing around too. Thinking.. you may want to look up the definition.

I never said people with arranged marriages love their kids less although I wouldn’t doubt it seeing that love is something unknown to them, not just romantic love but Indian culture necessitates obedience and honor towards parents and not so much a mutual relationship and understanding. (Or at least all the Indian families I know fit that mold, mine included) I’ve never told my parents I loved them, & vice versa. The most I knew about them were their names, their jobs and their fondness of yelling. I’m pretty sure they cared for me a lot but there was zero affection and my attempts at having conversations with them about anything not school related were ignored.

Why is it that the ones who are bitter and who make the most negative generalizations about Indian-Americans are always those with the saddest home lives?

You sound like a teenager upset because her parents won’t let her go to the prom. Get over it.