That’s the point, innit? It’s satire. The parody is a bit off because Andrea Miller’s racism employs “positive” stereotypes while Neel Shah’s [fake] racism employs negative stereotypes, and not without a large dose of vitriol.

A Jewish friend of mine remarked once, only half joking, that he believed Queer South Asians are the true Chosen People. With no offense to Moses, I had to agree. I lived in India for about three years and my partner (currently known as my Hershey, thanks to her appropriating the South Indian kisses she “gave me,” — but that is another column) is from Kerala, which, in addition to providing me with lots of Queer South Asian friends and in-laws, have given me a pretty good perspective on the desirability of the people from the world’s largest democracy — and how to woo them.

Before getting to “how,” let’s start with “why.” There are obvious reasons one would want to date a Queer South Asian, such as how successful and professionally desirable they are. Queer South Asians dominate as activists, nurses, aclu lawyers, anti-capitalists and artists. They make up a large proportion of our graduate students — just walk around the campuses of UCLA, NYU or UC Berkeley and you will see these incredibly attractive brown people all over the place. Which leads to point number two. Queer South Asian people tend to be really good looking. According to Wikipedia…actually, let me not quote something from Wikipedia. Most Queer South Asians are innately gracious, social creatures; they highly value friends and family and have a calendar filled with various holidays and occasions to celebrate, which they typically don’t go to because they are not wanted there. So, those endless jubilant dance numbers in Bollywood movies pretty much tear at the Queer South Asian soul. However, Queer South Asians love to dance. If for no other reason other than you want someone to dance with you (or without you for that matter), date a Queer South Asian.

Ok, now that the stock for single Queer South Asians is up, you need to be on your game if you want to date one. If you are a Queer South Asian, you can skip the rest of this post and spend the next four minutes savoring your desirability. If you are not a Queer South Asian, keep reading to learn seven things that should ingratiate you with them (there are more than 7, but I am on a word count). The first five have to do with Bollywood. Queer South Asians either take Bollywood and their celebrities very seriously or didn’t grow up with any Bollywood at all.

1. SRK. Two things you need to know about these initials. One, SRK is short hand for Shahrukh Khan, one of India’s premiere Bollywood celebrities. Two, while everyone in the world should know who he is, one doesn’t need to have an opinion about him. He is a just a figure, don’t get caught up in the hype. South Asians either love him or hate him while Queer South Asians have better things to do with their time.

2. Favorite actor. If you are pinched for time, you can simply claim SRK is your favorite, but this will cause some stares, as SRK is by far, not comparable to someone like Don Cheadle. But, if you want to take some initiative, I highly recommend you familiarize yourself with some actors and choose a favorite. Some safe, attractive possibilities: Salman Khan, Imran Khan, Shahid Kapoor and yes, Kal Penn counts because he uses his roles to be subversive -and if being smart is not sexy, I don’t know what is. (Furthermore, Kal Penn, for the years I have followed his career and his roots, has always had his heart invested for creating a better world… so fuck you if you think that Kal Penn doesn’t count.)

3. Favorite actress. See above. You don’t need to have a favorite. You could claim that it is Aishwarya Rai, who is familiar to most Americans, although you will then be suspect as Aishwarya, while extremely beautiful and successful, is a pain in the neck – most people don’t understand how hard it is to be at the top of your game and the responsibilites and the stretching of time you have to do in order to accommodate family and your career. She has a reputation for being a major diva, but Queer South Asians have room and love Divas. Other great options: Nandita Das, Shabana Azmi, Madhuri Dixit and of course, Rekha.

4. Favorite Hindi movie. It should be obvious by now that you also don’t need to have a favorite Hindi movie. If you bust out something like, “Yea, I loved Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,” you are very likely to get a “I think the whole word saw that movie, including Alaskans” look. If not something straight out of the Kama Sutra – Uh, sorry, I don’t know what I meant by that sentence. Let’s move on… One strong recommendation: “3 Idiots”. It’s a newish film with crossover appeal. I would also suggest, Chitney Popcorn, My brother Nikhil, Earth, Water, Fire. Of course, major bonus points, because Queer South Asians are out in the streets everyday putting their lives and energy on the line, is if you suggest renting a movie to watch it on the couch together. Most major cities have theaters that screen Bollywood films, but you will get stared at if you walk into the movie looking Queer or holding onto your partner’s hand.

5. Bhangra. Bhangra is the percussion-heavy music that is featured in most Bollywood films. It has an irresistible beat that will motivate even the most dance-phobic types to hit the floor. However, showing an appreciation for all different music will score you points. Finding a place that plays Bhangra music, mixed in with Hip Hop, Salsa, Merengue and Afro Beat is sure to get you something queerly from the Kama Sutra, especially if you exhibit the right dance moves, i.e. slapping an imaginary ass while someone’s behind you screwing in their imaginary light bulb. If you are in NY, I suggest rooms that are spun by Dj Rekha (NY) and DJ Anjali (Portland).

6. Food. Queer South Asians love their food. Probably more than they love dancing. But what person of color doesn’t? Unless you are willing to take some serious initiative in the kitchen, plan to go out for a Queer South Asian meal (this usually is at someone’s house and is a potluck – and lemme tell you, Queer South Asians know how to one-up straight folks masala wise. Although this can be tricky, many Queer South Asians would agree that it is often tough to find a good Queer – Friendly South Asian restaurant, even in major cities. If you want to be adventurous and score some points, I suggest you take your Queer South Asian date to a close-minded homophobic South Asian restaurant and role-play heterosexuals. Enjoy your meal in peace and then kiss your friend passionately after gulab jamun. You can always try cooking him/her a few Queer South Asian dishes, one of which will be an alcoholic beverage of a straight shot of whiskey. You can get the basic spices in most grocery stores, but you might need to ask for your date’s special stash of curry powder which she/he/they stole from their homophobic mother. I’m happy to share a dal recipe that is unbelievably tasty, but really, it would take an idiot to fuck up some dal.

7. Language. Queer South Asians love when you speak their language.(Note: there are hundreds of languages spoken in India. Aside from English, Hindi is the most prevalent ONLY in the North, so not all Queer South Asians speak Hindi so you will have to determine his/her native tongue so as to not annoy a Queer South Indian with your Rosetta Stone education of Hindi.) Most importantly, I am talking about being educated in the language and understanding some key words or phrases: transgender, patriarchy, social justice, art for social change. Before we got together, my partner was greatly amused by my reciting various things in Malayalam to her. I got a tourist book and told her among other things, that I was missing my harness. Now there are several iPhone apps that will give you translations. I suggest you pick up a few and break them out at an appropriate time, probably somewhere well into the second hour – yes, queers pick up quick. You don’t want your date to know that if things go south, you will resort to stalking. Cuz that’s what usually happens…

Good luck and let me know how these suggestions work out. I hope Saraswathi, goddess of knowledge, Allah, Buddha and the other South Asian Queer Gods smile on you as you endeavor to date one of their people.

Oh yea, I almost forgot to mention: one more big bonus when it comes to dating an Queer South Asian: communication with cabbies. Think I’m kidding? New Yorkers: Just imagine if you could stop a taxi during the 4pm transition time and your date could say, in Hindi, “Hey brother, will you please take us to Spring and 6th, and then proceeded to tell the cabbie about the Taxi Worker’s Alliance?” You’d find your own God did indeed smile upon you, because you were dating someone who was changing the world, even on the way to fucking you.

I don’t think most of us are offended by her portrayal of Indian culture. We just find it pitiful and feel sorry for the white lady. So eager to spread her discovery of “Indian” culture.

Oh, also, someone beat me to the “you’re white. that’s bonus enough” in response to some of the requirements for a woman to have to please an Indian man.

http://www.theawl.com/2010/06/how-to-date-a-white-bitch-advice-for-the-non-white-dude#

Does it rhyme with craven? Seriously, Pruh veen, it sounds like your doshas are out of balance. What’s with all the white lady hatred?