Alterna-desis and women - I recently dated a brown bangla woman (see my earlier comment about sexual prefernce). She was a skinny long straight haired La Perla wearing Harvard educated high-powered career fast track architect in NYC. I think the only reason she dated (rather brief, but fun) me was because of my alterna-profession (filmmaker). There are a lot of desi women in non-profit compared to desi men and way too many desi docu-makers. Every feamle desi filmmaker I know is a docu-girl and I don’t know a single male docu. This has to be coming from somewhere and I will go with HMF and Puli about expectations on brown men and the careers they choose. I am not saying it is easy for desi women, but there seems to be more leeway for women. Ofcourse at the end of the day, it is upto the individual to choose what they want to do, parental opposition be damned.

Before I converted to an alterna, I was THE Engineer/MBA and would play up different parts of my identity depending on who I was with (I have hindu-mulsim north-south parents and am an engineer/MBA/filmmaker)

All things gay -

Harbeer, you mentioned your cousin’s self-destructive ways. It is not at all uncommon. I’m guessing he is young. The average age for gay guys settling down is early 40s.

The amounts of promiscuity in the gay community is ridiKulos. I think more straights (men and women) would sleep around if it were as easy to come by and there wasn’t so much taboo against it. In the gay community, it’s almost expected. In my sample set, the average straight male sleeps with about 20 women before settling down and the average straight woman sleeps with about 30 (it IS easier for women, especially if they are attractive). The average gay male blows those numbers through the water. A lot of that is a way to fight the repression after finally getting the opportunity, a lot of it is self-loathing and much of it is jus plain Horny. There is ofcourse the alterna-gay movememnt that is trying to drop the 80s and 90s image of gays as ass-chasing drug-addled HIV conduits. They are involved politically, and have long term relationships. meh…just kidding.

Gays in the des – Shaad, not surprised about your agony aunt article. You will see similar columns with questions from the LGB community (transgender, very rarely) in India and Pakistan as well. These are English dailies, and the editors etc are super liberal and even when they are not, it is not cool to dis someone gay in their paper. There is definitely some NIMBY gay attitudes in India among the upper middle classes. There are a lot of gays in THE Bollywood, from what my sources tell me. Boys boarding schools see some serious adolescent boy on boy action. For a lot of them , it’s only a question of lack of access to girls. But others that are actually gay, go on to get married etc and have flings on the side. I hear similar things about girls hostels in medical and engg schools. Growing up in fobland, Eve teasing happens to boys too on buses and trains. Yes, the same creepy uncle that cops a feel, does it to boys as well.

When I was in Uni in India (engg), there were rumors of 2 seniors being gay but after I came to the US, I found out that quite a few of my alumni were openly Gay (as in they would go to gay clubs, pride etc. Not flaming openly gay at work types since a lot of them were I-Bankers;-))in Amreeka. Sodomy is against the Law in India, and ofcourse all the societal mores make it very very hard.

I have been caught by my mom, with a girl (door bell rings, takes 20 minutes to open the door) and a boy (door bell rings, takes 10 minutes to open the door). And my mom has just ignored these episodes like they meant nothing although I suspect she was too naive to think anything about the boy. Or maybe I am too naive to think she suspects nothing.

Ofourse, identifying as bi (which I don’t like to do in general cos aligning yourself with some camp means there are rules and expectations) is a headache cos gays and lesbians think that you are not committed to the lifestyle or what not. And ofcourse in the straight world, if a guy is bi, it means he is gay and if a girl is bi, she’s hot. As for desi gays, there’s enough across all professions. All you got to do is find a big city nearest to you, and go to the gay clubs there. You will find plenty of desis. Most ABD gays I know have come out in their early 20s to their peers (not parents) and most of these lads used to date women before they came out

Don’t hate, participate. I apologize for the long post. lage Raho…

They feel it’s important for both partners to have financial autonomy in case anything happens (emergency/death, vicious divorce, etc).

If you’re stating is at a necessary rather than sufficient belief, then you best ask ak and mill if there’s an oppositeland inductee ritual. That is, I can see parents having an attitude of “not minding” rather than “requiring” But Im beginning to realize SM in no way represents the mainstream experience, specially when it comes to fems.

My parents feel the same as yours, but their expectations extend to their daughters, also. Maybe that’s the difference?

But this simply does not compute with parents who feel their children should adhere to other gender norms such as: cooking sewing etc etc… unless you’re saying they stand against those as well.

But I will go to a more mainstream desi area and post this question up, and see what discussion arises from it.

my mother would beg to differ – be racist, but just not to the point where you can get called out on it. and when called out, become overly indignant and defensive. so far, my mom thinks it’s working

Whoa! Whoa! Not to get all commitment-phobic on you or anything, but I was just talking about a date, and you’re already on to breeding? Jeez, these Indian women!

“got privilege?” on the front and “well behaved women rarely make history” on the back. [if you know where this shirt came from, i want to know who you are.]

milli, I’ve seen the “got privilege?” shirts in the Bay (wish I could remember the small-print t-shirt shop that does them!), but never with the “well-behaved women..” quote on the back. Saucy

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I see Guju and Punjabis marrying goras more than southies, bengalis, and marathis. The southies I know tend to be less assimilated that way and more likely to marry other southies.

Maybe this has to do with settlement history. But also, and please feel free to shoot me down, in my peer group Southies who are Hindu have had parents more concerned with their child’s partner’s caste than my North(west)ie friends.

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Successful femmes, who want guys that probalbly don’t exist and the guys are shit scared of em.

I loved this comment, it totally made me giggle

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Having said that I havent had much success with anyone else either? anyone have any ideas for me?

Oz-girl, welcome! Come move to the UK or the States (but to a metro area)! I don’t know what the race-dynamics are around dating in Oz… do folks tend to stay within-race?

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So do “desi” nice guys finish last? I mean is it any different for the “desi nice guys/geeks” compared to “purple nice guys/geeks”?

I thought we had established that the answer to this is “no”? Although HMF will argue that women, overall, prefer assholes

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But if a female in your family quit a high paying job for non profit work, or creative work, then married a man with income to support both of them, would he shriek in horror, run through the hallways exclaiming, “What has happened!?!?”

HMF, my dad would (and my mom, too, actually). My parents are pretty open to the careers we choose, but they are really adamant that we should be making enough to save heavily and support ourselves autonomously, ESPECIALLY in the case of getting married. They feel it’s important for both partners to have financial autonomy in case anything happens (emergency/death, vicious divorce, etc).

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Don’t take offense or anything, but ya’ll seem to have the most illogical parents around. My parents (and nearly everyone else around me) want their sons to make enough money for a stable job, get married, then have kids. rinse recycle repeat.

Maybe we just have the awesomest parents out there? My parents feel the same as yours, but their expectations extend to their daughters, also. Maybe that’s the difference?

But this is also another argument for SepiaDestiny, muahahaha.

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Hope I have not offended anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings, but I think people should marry because they choose their spouse regardless of color, etc. I think all races have some lousy abusive men, and Indians really shouldn’t be singled out.

I don’t think you’ve hurt anyone… it’s a pretty good/sound argument. Don’t be racist — good lesson all around

but actually, come to think of it … my left-handed friends are always complaining about having to get theertham with their right hand. can you imagine if you took your ladyfriend or beau to the temple and they decided to make a stand for “lefties” all over the world by extending their left palm?? in that case, yes, i think “lefty” would fall pretty high on the objections list