But they’re white.

As far as using the “n” word, depends on which environment you live in. If you don’t live in a ghetto, then yeah, it’s out of place. If you are not surrounded by close family and friends who use the word in a good way, then yeah, it’s out of place. It all depends on what is termed in sanskrit, desh-kala-patra, or, “place, time and circumstance”.

I’ve only seen three people so far who have major issues with what I’ve posted here – you, Siddhartha, and Abhi. Anna made a mild comment but nothing harsh so maybe that would be 3 1/2. Oh yeah and Taz said one thing too, another half, so 4. That hardly represents the majority of contributers and commenters.

You obviously don’t read my comments in entirety anyway otherwise you would never have said this, “You’ve also made it clear that any Indian man that wouldn’t want you must be “confined by narrow gender roles”.

Where did I say that? Don’t even refer me to my above post regarding ONE boyfriend who came from an ultra-orthodox Brahmin family wherein there were narrowly confined gender roles at play.

Seems you have a hard time understanding the concept of anecdotal evidence or the words, “from my personal experience”.

And again I repeat, that guy wanted me, I was the one who said no.

Anyway, back to packing……… I meet my future astro-husband soon.

Personally, I’m not into the whole post-modernist PC thing, however, in defense of this forum and its people, it’s your tact over the written word that seems lacking.

A larger question is, what does this forum represent to you? To me it is a place to learn like almost any other venue. Are you seeking validation, acceptance, attention here? Are you willing to be emotionally honest not only about other’s views and critique their statements, but yourself also?

These are few questions you may want to simmer on before you engage in discussions. At the end of the day, just because you feel and conclude certain thoughts, it doesn’t necessarily mean it translates into the larger familiar world (or one that you think you may know) the same way.

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. If you’re stating them to seek attention or validation of your self esteem/confidence/personal worth, please re-evaluate. Hopefully discussions here, if you’re willing to listen for a change, can help educate you as it has educated myself and others.

You don’t have to agree with everyone, but in any and every critique, look for something constructive even if there isn’t much there. On the flip side, constructive arguments from yourself would be helpful, too.

Wow. Seems I really need to walk on ice around some of you.

Too much self-conscious PC awareness. Hard for me to get used to.

I just say things how I see it.

I refer you to the song “Simplicity” by Sizzla.

Hollerin? You really do have all the delicacy of a bludgeon. I confess that, a couple of weeks ago, I thought Siddhartha was overreacting. But, no, he had it right all along.

Double Standards, I intuitively feel what you’ve stated about just that – double standards. Not only would my comments be more accepted if I were desi, If I were even black (African American) and saying these things, I bet there would be less hollerin. I have seen it right before my eyes.

Anyway, I don’t “exoticise” Indian men. Really, I don’t find them “exotic” at all. That’s not to say I don’t find some attractive, I do. (Is Manish gonna be at LA meetup?) But I never had a fetish for them. Never.

The few romantic relationships I had with them were circumstantial to my environment.

The relationship mentioned above, wherein the young man married an Indian girl of his same caste was more of a case of me not wanting to marry him. If I had given him a definite yes, I’m sure he would’ve worked out some crazy way to incorporate me positively into the family, even if it took a pre-marital pregnancy. But I knew I would not fit in and be happy living in a large joint family where gender roles are rigidly defined and one’s freedom of movement restrained. Moreover, I knew that his family, and ultimately he himself, would not be happy with the situation either. In order for people to live together cohesively and harmoniously, they have to share the same goals in life. We all were just way too different.

I think with most of my posts I have clarified my opinions as based on my personal experiences only, and thus stayed clear of making a large sweeping brush of what all desi men are like. My experiences with desi men are with those born, bred, and still living in the Desh (India). I do not have much personal experience with American desi men.

ONE-UP in comment # 306 – You are right, a comment like that one comes from someone who has not had much contact with “mixed” people. I often hear that from people who – have very little if any personal friendships with people born of mixed parents.

“Mixed people are hot”. Or “Indians mixed with blacks are hot”. Or “Anything mixed with black is hot”. Sweeping generalizations made by people who, by their own admission, have not seen very many such combos.

I live and breathe amongst many different kinds of mixes and I can tell you, the truly “hot” ones are rare, again, in my own personal experience. But I think every human being has some beautiful quality or feature, even if not obvious at first.

MEENA – I don’t want to scare you but I will share with you some advice that I picked up from an Indian newspaper while in India. Carry a big safety pin with you in your purse or pocket while travelling and moving around India. When you get groped, prick the guy with the pin, even if you don’t see his face.

In my experience South India has less of this problem than North India does. But yet it is still there. Be bold. Don’t look or act intimadated and don’t be afraid to slap some faces or make some noise, or even take a few snap-shots.

I refer you to;

http://blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com/

I think, in general, you are too hard on desis. This may be due to lack of exposure or youth.

On another subject: there’s lots of ways desi parents can make life hell for someone who chooses someone ‘inappropriate’. My mom smiled and nodded and pretended all was fine, but began to make little critical remarks of one of my exes whenever she and I were alone. She escalated her needling remarks and criticisms and accusations to the point where it became intolerable. Fights with her were frequent. She delighted when he and I had arguments. I had to stop talking to her about anything concerning the relationship. My relationship with her has never recovered from the sight of the narrow-mindedness and selfishness in her character. So it’s not just about apparent acceptance – I had that, to the point that my ex and I were actually living with my parents – but acceptance from the heart.

I see the logic in this, but doesn’t the person have a responsibility to other Indians if everyone else recognizes him/her as “Indian”? Minorities in general have a greater burden of representation because they are usually taken as representative of their whole race/ethnicity/culture. Why else do we cringe when we see Kal Penn taking on roles that reinforce negative stereotypes about South Asians and Middle Easterners? Would it matter to us if he declared, “Yo, macacas, get off my back because I don’t consider myself Indian”?

Not really. I mean, why? The person is question is in control of their own life and has their own choices to make. Be it Kal Penn or one of us on this site. Why should it matter to someone whom one has never met in what way one is representing the Indian community?

Bottom line: There are avenues for you to explore. As Siddhartha said, it is a process. Perhaps a lifelong process.

Hi. Erm, you named several points. I’m actually close to my cousin, we’re almost to the same age and we even grew up together for a bit. We talk quite regularly when she’s around. However Indianness is never an issue. Why? I guess she’s just like an other adolescent, so it really never becomes a topic of discussion. Yeah I guess passivity is not exactly the strongest stance to take. I think it’s also a matter of indecision, as to what should view oneself as. Which is also brought about by the familiarity of Indianness. On the one hand, the need for reconnection. On the other hand it just seems so incredibly dull to take an active interest in India and it’s history because it’s already ‘known’, something one has grown up with from the very beginning. It’s like having two lives. All of this is quite odd since I used to be quite gung-ho about Indian culture and being Indian, to be the point that I railed against my parents for having acquired EU nationalities for the four of us. And by the way, I didn’t break up with my white boyfriends because of their colour, although I think the lack of the FBD(Foreign-Born Desi) experience is definitely always going to be a problem.

Thomas,

One practical suggestion for Chennai though – if you’re on a bus/street in Chennai, and you resort to some slapping/nut-kicking, don’t say very much if your accent/choice of language will easily give you away as not a local – just scream and do it. Due to various class issues, this could make a big difference in how others on the scene come to your support or gang up against you. See Mangs’s Train to Chennai to learn a little about crowd dynamics.

Thanks for that bit of advice. Chennai has always seemed like a pretty relaxed place but the unfamiliarity and my shelteredness makes a visit out on my own very daunting. I always feel very concious of looking ‘different’, even if I am dressed in complete South Indian attire.

UPS

One of things I find troubling is the earlier and earlier sexualization of girls. The things some parents let their children wear is kinda disgusting. Where’s the childhood?

Well actually I do agree with you here. There should be a middle road somewhere between denial that sex even exists and 12-year-old girls getting it on. I don’t even agree with little girls wearing bikinis – it might attract the attention of pervs.

DQ,

So Meena – do you stay home from the clubs too because you’re worried about being groped and pawed? Or don’t your parents let you out the door to go to them either?

Clubs were allowed from age 17 as long as we went in a group context. But clubs arent really my sort of thing anyway. The parents are very liberal though, they allow us to read, watch and do things most other desi parents would be fearful of.