All of the sentences were taken directly from the magazine, but as I said on my blog, I searched long and hard to find the worst (and funniest) examples of what I call “mangled English.” I’ve always loved terrible English, and as an avid traveler I get to see a lot of it. But these examples weren’t at all representative of the magazine – only the worst/best examples. I’m sure I would find it funny in any other language that I speak fluently – but not surprisingly, I only speak English! And I would never criticize bad English. I just think it’s funny.

If anyone is curious, I bought that magazine in Kalimpong, near Darjeeling. And I’m writing now from Srinagar, where I’ve just arrived two days ago.

Dave

Anyways, do you know of the cow?

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child.He is same like God,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

This is the cow.

Ofcourse not! Why would you think I forged letters? From scratch that too

Anyway. I am in India right now, and my 8 year old cousin speaks English WAY better than I speak our mother tongue. Granted, it’s with an accent and occasionally funny expressions; but she speaks quickly, accurately, and can convey humor and sarcasm in English. That’s impressive to me. What the hell do I care if it’s with an accent? I’ve rarely met an Amreekan who speaks a foreign language with the same mastery that many, many immigrants have of English.

You wrote your sickness letters from scratch? I’m very impressed I used to copy mine from the English textbooks, they always seemed to have a ton; like one for you being sick and one for your mom being sick etc. etc.

My “sick from cough and cold” letters to my schoolteachers from mum and dad were of this nature.

Dude… I learnt writing like this. From Messers Wren & Martin no less. I could Wren-&-Martinize a post about Kaavya V. Or Wren-&-Martinize Opal Mehta itself. “How Opal Mehta came to be Osculated, to be Rampant and to be Self-Realized”

My two reactions:

1. Hilarious!
2. I miss my grandfathers.

sa, British English is a rather broad umbrella. I mean, I can’t understand a word of Welsh English. Hell, I don’t know how many English people can understand Welsh. Yes, everything does seem to sound smarter in “BBC English” or “Queen’s English” but it is so much more fun to converse with people who speak in a Cockney or Yorkshire dialect