Most Americans have generally been only minimally knowledgeable about Sikhs or Indians. Many people would accost me on the street in my earlier days and would wonder if India had colleges or cars or where I had learnt my English. The pride of America was in the fact that almost every house had two cars. Finally I worked out what I thought was a rib tickling parody. I would say that I came from a relatively well off middle class family in India; no cars but two elephants. One of the elephants was old and decrepit and of not much use except for shopping around town while the other was a younger, racier model. But at least I didn’t have to ask, “Hey Dad, can I have the elephant tonight?”

Thanks people for playing my little game! (I gave credit to three of you whose ideas I used in expanding “Indophilia”.)

The fall 2005 season trends that wearing sari blouses with jeans, lots of bangles ($25 for 8 in SoHo) and bindis is the pinnacle of fashion, in Indophilia. Don’t mind the funny looks– they’re just hatin’ on your incredible Indophilia style!

• All the men wear turbans and ride around everywhere on elephants

• There are levitating yogis hovering under every tree and on every mountain top

• You can hear sitar music playing from the clouds all the time

• Everyone has an arranged marriage

• Nobody indulges in any pre-marital hanky-panky nor has anyone there ever done so in the country’s entire history

• Everyone lives in abject poverty but is still oh-so-happy and spiritual.

• Everyone completely respects and believes in everyone else’s religion (some people will even kindly insist that you’re a member of their religion even if you keep telling them that you are not)

• It’s a beacon of light, spirituality, and morality for the whole of mankind — nay, heaven on earth itself. God Himself is an Indophilian, you know; apparently He even came down and visited the country in person a few times thousands and thousands and thousands of years ago.

• It’s such a wonderful, peaceful place believing completely in the concept of non-violence that it’s been able to fend off incursions by neighbouring powers for thousands of years simply by the utterance of a few well-chosen mantras. It doesn’t even need an army, let alone those pesky nu-ki-lar missles.

And the bindis. You know that in Indophilia girls wear them all the time with their pretty saris? Which means that when you get back, you HAVE to wear a bindi at all times with your jeans and logo tees. It’s like, the third eye, dude.

P.S. If you meet a guy who wants to offer you tantric chakra healing, be sure to give him all the money he wants. You must become a higher spiritual being, no matter the cost. Don’t worry, those yoga classes you teach will help you pay for it.

Has anyone been to the NYC club named Sutra? I guess they didn’t know a sutra is a thread.